Ирина Эланс

Автор который поможет с любыми образовательными и учебными заданиями

Английский юмор

2.1. Анекдоты

(1) A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

(2) US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

(3) The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

(4) Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

(5) On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

(6) The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

(7) What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

(8) What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

A retarded ape.

(9) It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic." "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin." "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question." "What is it son." "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

(10) One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

(11) If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?

(12) Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?

She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

(13) Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris" "How do you know" ask the others "Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower." Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London" "How?" asks the others "Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben" Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have j

(14) Australia. Where men are real men And sheep are scared shitless

And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

(15) One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub. Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug. ?“Fuck me?” shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table. ?“What the fuck are you doing that for??” says Smartie. ?“That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I?’m hiding from him?” says Polo. ?“You should stand up to him?” says Smartie. ?“He?’ll respect you more if you do?” Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. ?“Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I?’ll knock the fucking shit out of you?” says Polo. ?“Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?” says Humbug. ?“Told you so?” says Smartie. The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune. ?“Fuck me?” shouts Polo again diving under the table. ?“What the fuck are you doing that for again?” says Smartie. ?“I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune?” says Polo. ?“So what??” says Smartie. ?“He?’s fucking menthol?” says Polo.

(16) What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

(17) Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's what is it?

A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

(18) A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime!"

(19) THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

(20) A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?" "No." "Got any fresh fruit?"

(21) A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

(22) This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. "That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know." "That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

(23) A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"

(24) An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

(25) A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

(26) I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

(27) A son comes to his dad and says: - Dad, i gotta tell you something - Ok, Quick and clear! - 100 bucks

(28) A boy and a girl started quarreling after sitting half an hour with the "Animal world" book:
-Yes she can!
-No she can't!
-Yes she can!
-No she can't! Let's go and ask granny!
-Grandma, can you have children?
-Oh no I can't my dear!
-I've told u she's a male!

(29) A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

(30) "Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

(31) Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

(32) What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm and a woman's sex life have in common?

They're both concerned with how many inches and how long it will last.

(33) Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

(34) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

(35) What do you call two banana peelings?

A PAIR OF SLIPPERS

(36) "Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."

(37) Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, th

(38) A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

(39) The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

(40) A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

(41) Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in. Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

http://www.native-english.ru/anecdotes/2895

2.2. Каламбуры

(42)The police officer had a fine time with the traffic violator.

(43) The pain of losing the grizzlies was just unbearable.

(44) «Why did they hang that picture?» (45) The professor rapped on his desk and shouted

«Gentlemen, order!» the entire class yelled «Beer!»

(46) If you don’y marry me, Jane, I’ll hang myself on a tree in front of your house!»

(47) «Oh, Johnny, don’t. you know my father hates young men hanging about the house.»

(48) On a divorce lawyer’s wall: «Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.»

(49)Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him (STAMPS on the ground) and says: "Catch up."

(50) There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.

Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?

I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

(51) A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"

The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

(52) I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!

All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

(53) A woman was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.

A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"

The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"

(54) Two friends meet and one of them says: "I've taught my dog how to speak English!"

"That's impossible", says the other man, "Dogs don't speak!"

"It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?"

The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

(55) One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.

A student asked, "What's the matter?"

"Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.

The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

(56) Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is open. Someone might take your money!
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get more money.
Teacher: How can you get more money?
Rumiko: The weather report said we would have some change in our weather!

(57) Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?

(58) A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So what's with the long face?"

(59) I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in.

(60) One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.

When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper.

The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"

Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!"

(61) There is this man who meets a fairy. He is granted three wishes. Having wished for his most urgent needs the man uses his third wish to ask the fairy to return and give him three more wishes.

The fairy complies and says: "You can call me whenever you want."

"How can I call you. Please tell me your name." the man says.

"My name is Nuff," says the fairy.

"Well", says the man "That is an odd name. I have never heard of it before."

The fairy replies, "Surely you will have heard of Fairy Nuff." (= Fair enough.)

(62) Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out.

One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in.

Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?"

To this, Out replied "Instinct!" (= In stinked.)

(63) In London, one man to another:
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman."
B: "Oh, really?"
A: "No, O'Reilly."

(64) A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.

The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him.

Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?

Man: Because he's my newt. It pays to be prepared to teach newt, lizard and minute afterwards, but expect a few groans as the penny drops!

(65) Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.

Question: So what did they call their ranch?

Answer: They called it "Focus", because that's where the sun's rays meet. (= Sons raise meat.)

(66) Three brothers started a cattle ranch out west. They were very successful, but could not agree what to call their ranch. They finally agreed to wire their father back east and abide by his decision. He replied at once they should call it "focus". They did so, but now argued endlessly about why he had given them that name. They sent him another wire to ask why that name. He replied, "Simple, because focus is where the sun's rays meet." (= Sons raise meat.)

(67) A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

(68) There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to speak quietly.

"Why?" his friend asks a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here...!"

"Ah," replied the other, "haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?" (= Mountaineers.)

(69) A: Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow?
B: No, I didn't.
A: Really? It made headlines!

http://www.correctenglish.ru/humor/jokes/puns/3/

(70) Hello are you there?
- Yes, who are you, please?
- Watt
- What’s your name?
- What’s my name.
- Yes, what is your name?
- My name is John Watt.
- John what?
- Yes.
- ???? I’ll call you again.
- All right. Are you Jones?
- No, I’m Knott.
- Will you tell me your name then?
- Will Knott.
- Why not?
- My name’s Knott.
- Not what?
- Not Watt, Knott!
- What…

(71) In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

(72) «Atheism is a non-prophet institution»

(73) «Did you hear about the little moron who strained himself while running into the screen door?»

http://www.english-with-vera.ru/2011/04/english-humour/

(74) Uncle William has a new cedar chest». «So? Last time I saw him he just had a wooden leg».

(75) The new under-secretary to the colonies! Onslow appointed! Hum! Did business go very fast? That we must get On-slow?

(76) Mine is a long and a sad tale! Said the Mouse... It is a long tail, certainly", said Alice... "but why do you call it sad?"

(77) We called him Tortoise because he taught us"

2.3. Афоризмы

(78) The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good.

(79) Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

(80) Husband: what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(81) Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.

(82) Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

(83) A fool can no more see his own folly than he can see his ears.

(84) The conviction of the rich that the poor are happy is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

(85) When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness... I was right.

(86) An enemy is anyone who tells the truth about you.

(87) Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.

(88) My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I"m happy. I can"t figure it out. What am I doing right?

(89) Money is the fruit of evil as often as the root of it.

(90) Wealth is not his that has it, but his who enjoys it.

(91) He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

(92) Happiness? That"s nothing more than health and a poor memory.

(93) Fools grow without watering.

(94) Artists are on the average less happy than men of science.

(95) There is no little enemy.

(96) There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

(97) Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.

(98) There is no device whatever to be invented for securing happiness without industry, economy, and virtue.

(99) Let others praise ancient times; I am glad that I was born in these.

(100) A well-written life is almost as rare as a well-spent one.

(101) The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

(102) Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

(103) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(104) Anger is a vulgar passion directed to vulgar ends, and it always sinks to the level of its object.

(105) Не does not possess wealth that allows it to possess him.

(106) Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

(107) The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

(108) It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

(109) Money often costs too much.

(110) Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

(111) Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.

(112) One must eat to live, and not live to eat.

(113) To fill the hour - that is happiness.

(114) Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed.

(115) We are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine. Francois De La Rochefoucauld

2.4. Черный юмор

(116) Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet

(117) Enjoy Your Chameleon – Насладитесь своим хамелеоном.

(118) New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers: Tales of Parasites and People .

(119) What To Say When You Talk To Yourself .

(120) A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
Oh, no: I never found her head.

(121) What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?
Crib death.

(122) Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

(123) What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.

(124) What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire.

(125) Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

(126) Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

(127) Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

(128) There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

(129) Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

(130) Q. What's worse than ten dead babies in a barrel?
A. One dead baby in ten barrels.

(131) Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

(132) Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

(133) Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

(134) Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

(135) Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.

(136) What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?Art.

(137) What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?Stu.

(138) What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?Peg.

(139) How do you get a goth out of a tree?Cut the rope.

(140) Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

(141) what's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage
you cant eat a train carriage

(142) what do you call a black asian man with aids
coondiesoon

(143) nock knock
whos there
Cancer!

(144) what did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas
a pinball machine

(145) How did the nun lose her virginity
she was raped

(146) What do you call 1000 black people running down a hill
mudslide

(147) What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?
i cry when i cut up onions

(148)When do you know when a dates going bad
When you spike your own drink with rahypnol (rape pill)

(149) What do you call a cow masturbating
beef strokin' off

(150) Whats black and blue and scared of me
the 8 year old in my closet

http://forum.hyeclub.com/showthread.php/110-WARNING-Sick-jokes.-Do-not-read-if-you-can-t-handle!